FINDING YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE; How having a nervous breakdown can lead to a breakthrough….
For the last 12 years I have been on a quest to find my life purpose and higher path. I spent all that time in deep study and research; taking classes, trying new jobs, new relationships, starting businesses obsessed with finding “the thing” that would make me happy. The thing that would also be my passion, my career, my everything. But for some reason no matter how hard I tried nothing I did worked. Until one day I had a major nervous breakdown and three suicide attempts. My entire life fell apart and I thought I would never get back up again.
At my wits end and broken, I decided to study a group of what I call “the greats” hugely successful people in society that found huge success. I was searching for clues as to how I might find my own path. What I discovered was shocking and helped me to find my own life purpose and path. I saw where I had it wrong and where I had it right and now I want to share that with you.
Here is an excerpt from pieces of my book ( I have not finished writing yet) and some of the lessons/ teachings from my own life that I discovered, that I want to share with you about how to find your purpose.
Be Original Every person on this planet is meant to be here and has a divine purpose. Being unique and original is what we are really here to do. To be ourselves not carbon copies of each other. I have been following the beat of my own drum for most of my life and for 12 years specifically I have been on this existential and spiritual journey to find myself, heal myself, and find my passion and purpose in life. I have been obsessed with it in fact. For the last decade, I was always working on my own little projects, dreaming big visions,studying like crazy, teaching myself my own curriculum my own vision and trying lots of different jobs. It was not an easy path and I felt like I was lost most of the time and going in circles. I was mocked and teased by close friends for all my “crazy ideas” and it was tough socially, but somehow I could not play it safe. I took the road less traveled and I had to stay on my own course no matter the sacrifices and obstacles. I was beyond driven working myself to the bone until one day I just snapped under the pressure. I had this horrific breakdown and got involved in an extremely toxic but soulful relationship and then I lost everything ! Everything I had worked so many years for. I was suicidal, frustrated at not making any progress and I just soulfully gave up. I couldn’t do it anymore I was at my wits end. I was exhausted and just defeated and I fell down hard so hard I didn’t think I would ever get back up. I don’t think anyone else thought I would either.Eventually I realized killing myself was not the option I had tried really hard three times and failed and I suddenly began feeling like I was living in the movie Groundhog Day. So just like the main character,once I realized suicide was not the option, I slowly started my path of recovery and reluctantly stopped thinking about trying to die and instead started thinking about how to begin living again.
I had to start from scratch at 37,the thought was so daunting. I spent thousands of dollars on various healers and started meditating daily. I had been forced way out of my comfort zone and didn’t have the same resources so this was really a challenge. Little money, no car, new city. I couldn’t do anything the way I had before I felt like I was a baby just learning how to walk. My circumstances forced me to try everything different! I hated it so badly ! I felt humiliated, it was stressful, it made me tired, I hid a lot avoided people, but it was exactly what I needed!
Get outside your comfort zone long enough to see your whole life objectively Stepping outside of my routines and being shaken up helped me see my life and everything I had done thus far so differently! Since I had so much time alone to meditate I started thinking about my whole life. Was I a huge failure and a laughing stock ? I saw my self, my life and my past thinking, and my past choices objectively almost from a third party perspective and that was a critical turning point that led to a breakthrough. Recovery was slow, I didn’t have any emotional support, friends or family and I was alone with my cats all the time so I didn’t have lot of energy or motivation, but I did what I could do every day taking baby steps and tiny actions. I was getting alimony so I decided to focus 100% of my time on recovery and my mental health and put thinking of my career and life purpose totally on the back burner in my mind. I made my spiritual life 100% my priority, I decided I would take the suggestion of my shamanic healer. He told me I was a healer, and to get better I had to help others in fact he said it was a quicker path. So I did, I began counseling others on Instagram people who were suicidal or down and out. I joined Facebook groups and I shared, comforted, prayed and soothed others and what do you know ? It was fun! I was good at it ! People really felt the love and care and my life did start slowly turning around.
If you fall down get back up! Months and months passed, one thing led to the other things and I syncronistically began drawing to myself; new friends, groups,books, meditations. I found my authentic voice, I began expressing it, and all these doors opened ! I kept counseling others, I began writing daily and I realized I had so much to teach and share and write about. I started a group for women, called The Sisterhood, today we have over 1,700 members and one of my Facebook public pages is getting over 30k visitors and views. I’ve done several radio shows and videos and what do you know? All these strange pieces started to slowly but surely come together like a jigsaw puzzle, it all started to make sense! I now see where I had it all wrong and where I have it right and can you feel my excitement ! When I got out of my own way and stopped over-thinking things and stopped thinking of myself, I started having fun, utilizing all my talents and gifts, discovered new ones, made real friends, found my voice and now I am getting paid to do this! I accidentally fell into what I absolutely know now is my purpose and highest calling and it’s still evolving. I am not saying I am done and that I have arrived but I for sure know that I am finally on the right path because of all the new doors opening for me.
Know Yourself . You know in the past, I had read hundreds of books about “finding your bliss” and I have read & watched and studied a lot of biographies and studied extensively the life stories of the “great ones” looking for clues for how I could find my own path and calling but more importantly I was looking for clues. It always drove me nuts why none of these books provided me with concrete answers about how to find my life purpose,but I now understand why no one can tell you exactly what your path is. A huge part of finding your path is knowing who you are; knowing your passions, what you hate, what you love, what your good at, what gives you energy and what drains you. You should know you like the back of your hand.
Follow the Flow to Find Your Purpose Part of the reason finding my passion, my calling, my career it had eluded me and driven me mad because I had so many interest and passions strange experiences and strengths. My spiritual life and then my passions I could not see how they matched each other they seemed to be conflicting each other, but I see now I was thinking to literally and the way I was going about it was unnatural, a little too desperate, Type A, and seriously unhealthy, I mean no wonder I had a breakdown! The combination of having a very painful life with tons to heal and being very ambitious and determined can be a rough and tumble path. The biggest mistake I was making was I was trying to force and bend everything to my will. You can’t force people, places, or things to bend to your will, agenda, and timing. Your passion your real gifts might be very unique you might be meant to do something that doesn’t exist yet! If it does exist your meant to do it in your way with your own style. I hope to teach about what it means to follow your flow.
Create Something New It’s interesting how what I am doing now, did require all that previous training and life experiences. What I am doing now combines all of my interest! For example I went to an art and design school, I had tried a few times to be an entrepreneur, I loved when I worked at non profits because I loved helping people. My hobbies included reading ,writing, design, film, music, art,and telling stories. I also have always naturally been a helper,healer,and the person everyone liked coming to for advice and with their problems. In addition, I simultaneously had been having all these mystical and shamanic experiences and was always drawn to spirituality and was obsessed with healing myself for years. See how all those strange pieces seemed so all over the place ? And can you see how they can come together? If you feel you are a healer or teacher as well, use your spiritual gifts and marry that through whatever your passion is. For example, if you are a musician you can write lyrics that tell stories that heal people. If your an activist like I am and like painting, paint pictures of a world you want to be living in. These are just some examples but I think you see the point.
Divine Timing Here is what I know to be true; you don’t find your path when you are age 20, 30, 40, when you got to college, when you get this certificate, etc. YOU FIND YOUR PATH WHEN YOU ARE READY TOO AND WHEN THE EARTH IS READY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER. This is Divine Timing. When you are ready,you will draw to yourself everything you need like magic. And when the earth is ready for your talent and work, is when you you will be at the right place at the right time. The earth herself is intelligent and orchestrates and inspires and co-conspires with you when she is ready for you. I know that thought sounds strange but think about it for a minute; we live on a planet that self regulates itself no one “programmed” it to have all four elements, a moon, planets, trees that give us oxygen and all the millions of different types of animal and plant species that exist on the planet, it just did that all by itself and everything has a purpose, down to the tiniest microbe. Humans are an organism that lives on this planet and we think by harnessing it’s energy building houses and inventing languages, and gadgets that we can totally understand it and make it submit to our will? That’s crazy.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. I think transcending my ego and my spiritual journey did help make me feel safe to try a lot of things and take crazy risk. I was never afraid to look stupid because I always ” knew” through my own experiences that we are only here for a short period of time. I thought to myself, ” You have had numerous past lives why not take the path that was best for my soul ?” I wanted to live a life I could be proud of,where I would have the least amount of regrets? Most people don’t start to examine the bigger meaning of life and live life on purpose until they get to the end of their life and I thought in reverse. At 22 years of age I decided to live my life with no regrets and do my best and dream bigger and deeper than anyone I knew personally. I didn’t just accept that you go to school and get a job that you hate and complain about. I wanted way more than to just exist and survive.
Nothing in the universe lives for itself and we aren’t meant to either. There is a reason we are here. Nothing in the universe lives for itself and we aren’t meant to either. We are meant to be doing things for each other. We only understand bits and pieces of how the earth works and I think we have it all wrong when it comes to thinking we are superior to everything else on the earth. Align yourself with your own soul, your passions, your heart, your truth. Connect to the earth, step outside your mind and you will find your higher calling and simultaneously fulfill your highest spiritual potential and align with the grand divine design. Your highest soul path is one that brings you happiness,feels right, helps others, brings out the best in you, it doesn’t require you to lie or hurt others, it something that will one day look back on and be proud of. It doesn’t have to mean you are going to become famous or a CEO or invents something, I mean it very well could, but you have to let it evolve and be really in sync and honest with what truly brings you happiness and usually doing things for others does bring happiness.
They didn’t become hugely successful because they were genius but because their approach was. All those huge stars and very famous and hugely successful people did not know they would inevitable become so huge and successful their path unfolded slowly. There are many other similarities I discovered and I will be sharing that later but what I can share now is the way we collectively are trying to find our calling seems to be off majorly off. I wrote this and share my story to reach out to the people that are really hard on themselves and frustrated, people have killed themselves over this stuff! Which ( btw there were other factors at play with my suicide attempts that I share in other post ) but my basic message now is don’t kill yourself over things not happening in the way you think things should be happening. I’ve seen many stories like this. People running themselves to the ground like I did and they are very hard on themselves. They give up and become jaded, and think the worst about themselves. If you are trying at all you should be proud of yourself! Tons of mistakes doesn’t mean you are a failure it means your a bad ass!! It shows great courage and lots of effort. So many people want a title, a career because we want the approval of others to finally “be somebody” becuase we compare ourselves. But that isn’t how you get other people to respect you. Liking yourself, making yourself happy, being comfortable in your own skin is what will ultimately bring happiness and respect. We should be seeking what will bring us deep inner happiness and meaning and be doing it to make ourselves happy.
Follow the Flow to Find Your Purpose When you are on the right track doing what you are meant to do, talking to who you are meant to talk to, you will find you are in a flow. There will be many synchronicities. Use your intuition, listen to your angels and guides. If there is a book a movie that calls out to you follow the hunch. You inner voice is gentle it’s not loud. Start working on listening to it more. I will be teaching about this too because that took me forever to understand signs and to trust my intuition. It’s taken me 12 years and a ton of money and mistakes and tons of studying to learn what I just shared with you I am very happy to help share this information because I almost died over it. If it could help anyone else it would make my day! My life! I will writing out so much more that I have discovered so if you like my blog and are interested in finding out more please follow or like my page on Facebook.
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