Ending the Co-Dependent/ Narcissist Dance; Developing Self Awareness is Key 🔑
Recovering from Co-Dependency and Trying to go NO Contact or Break the Trauma Bond with the Narcissist? This Blog is for you.
Recovering Co-Dependents; myself included have almost an obsession with everyone else around them except themselves. Unhealed; many spend most of their energies obsessing about every one else’s problems and have very little ability to focus on their own needs, wishes, desires, and happiness. Most Co-Dependents don’t have a strong sense of who they are, how they feel, what matters to them, or even know what they want from others or out of life. Because of this; they struggle intensely with being able to effectively make the kind of changes in their life that would lead to more happiness and fulfillment. Hyper focused on others, even basic self awareness eludes them. This is why focusing on that problem alone is the key to recovery.
So many people will tell you “Love Yourself, Accept Yourself”, You have no idea how confusing and difficult that can be for someone healing from Co-Dependency. Everything I talk about and teach; I learned by healing myself over 20 years. I had such an extreme problem with this, I almost ended my life over it. The problem which started in childhood escalated until I had a breakdown. A breakdown that lead to a breakthrough that helped me to finally make sense of and take stock of the long term effects of horrific abuse I endured as a child. Abuse that try as hard as I could, would not let me go.
Healing Co-Dependency and growing self awareness was not the only problem for me. Not only was I dealing with Co-Dependency, I had severe Post Traumatic Stress about even about thinking about what had happened to me. I was dissociated and fragmented. I danced around the truth and had been trying for years to dress my childhood in something more comfortable, more feasible and digestible for others. Telling the truth could bring on deep feelings of pity from others or worse yet shame and trigger suicidal feelings. Suicidal feelings that started when I was 8 years old. Victims of child abuse are often stigmatized, so I resigned myself to never mentioning it. Today I want to scream it from the mountain tops to help others that had similar childhoods; I want you to know; THIS IS and WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I also want to let you know; you are loved and accepted. YOU CAN HEAL You are going to have few places and few people that will say that to you and really make you feel loved. The reason I stepped up to do my work was to be the type of healer I could not find. Finding neutral supportive people that are trauma informed is so important. If revisiting your past is critical for your recovery, you must know that you can’t heal your life or transcend your story unless you acknowledge it. That is partly how I am in a place of owning it, by talking about it publicly. An incredible risky and honest move that I never regret at all. My breakdown and suicide attempt was public, so why shouldn’t my recovery be? It was the only way I could face it. Prior to this, like most traumatized adults I lived in a bubble of delusion that I refused to penetrate. I cringed and avoided anything that required me to talk about my childhood and my upbringing. I mean basic questions about my life can trigger massive issues. Constantly trying to escape it by losing myself in others, being busy, and avoiding intimacy. The combination of over giving and neglecting yourself for decades can escalate and have dangerous repercussions, especially if you are dealing with a soul sucking narcissist that can clearly see, that you can’t see yourself and don’t have any real self worth.
We tend to gravitate towards what is familiar to us as adults, as crazy as that can be so it’s not surprise I would continually attract predators. An Empathic Co-Dependent is the perfect match for a Selfish Narcissist. You give excessively and cannot receive; they take excessively and have nothing to give. The only problem is your giving hoping it will eventually lead to love and the Narcissist will use that against you. Why would you ask for more if you don’t feel you deserve it? If you have never been shown love? You might not even know how to recognize it let alone ask for it. This kind of giving; with out a healthy sense of give and take is lopsided. Eventually you will be struggling to keep up with their long list of demands and will grow increasingly frustrated and resentful. Attention they need it; any way they can get it -through positive or negative manipulation, covert manipulation, it will never be enough. They don’t respect boundaries. They are the masters at using; guilt, fear, shame, intimidation, confusion, lies, charm, emotional abuse, and flattery to get their way. They will study your weakness and your strengths and use it all against you as long as it suits them. If you think they sound like a nightmare, it’s because they are. They are usually a charming mess of a black hole of neediness that even your ten best Co-Dependents can never fill. They are the embodiment of greed, it’s a match made in Heaven that will eventually turn into hell.
And just when you have had enough, and are drained beyond belief, they will have no problem asking you for the most outrageous things; your last dollar even, and never bat an eyelash of its inappropriateness. If you ask for love back or stand up to their behavior they might try to convince you that you are the narcissist and will gaslight, stonewall, or give you the silent treatment for weeks until they break you and convince everyone else of that too. Keep a list of the facts because that will help you keep your sanity with all of their craziness. If they have successfully gotten you to depend on their approval for self esteem it’s even more of a nightmare. Self Awareness, Self Approval, and Self Love is the key to getting away and will help you end the insanity and chaos. You cannot reason with such a person. They are pathological and extremely selfish to their core and very dangerous to your mental health and well being. Recovering from such a relationship requires so much time and work and boy have I put in some time. If you are in this, you have to get away. You have to heal your Co-Dependency. Ultimately I was forced to heal because if became life or death. Trust me, if you are dealing with this and don’t heal and study the roots of this; it can only get worse and you will continually attract more narcissist. It leads to a life of full of absolute misery, as it did for me.
The roots of my Dependency started early in life for me.
It makes sense why sometimes things have to get worse before they get better, that was the case for me. It took attracting more aggressive and manipulative narcissist as an adult for me to realize what a narcissist was in the first place. Once I began to read and study and fully comprehend, my whole life seemed to make sense. It’s plain as day now to me that this all started in my childhood. Understanding where it started is also incredibly helpful to hep you untangle and unravel these cords. You did not get sick on your own. I’ve talked a lot about my childhood but I haven’t ever really explained why I felt so strongly about it that I had to start blogging and helping others heal their Co-Dependency. Why can’t adult survivors grow up and just let it go and forgive? Because, some of these childhoods destroy your ability to be happy, to have peace, to have a quality of life , and require thousands of dollars and decades to heal yourself if you can stop self destructing and internalizing the pain as most do. Now that energy is redirected where it belongs back on my abusors and into helping others heal.
I was born to two young, unwed, unmarried high school drop outs that had no business having kids; they were 19 and 24. I lost them both at age 3 and was sent to my aunts home which became a house of horrors. My childhood was filled with neglect, abandonment, tragedy, and severe mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Not only was I abused I was ignored in so many vital ways it’s been a huge undertaking to develop self awareness. When you are not seen or acknowledged and ignored, unloved, and undervalued, you grow up unable to see yourself or your own worth. I was the child seen and not heard, forced to live like an indentured servant and maid. Superficial things about me were acknowledged but I was deprived of very vital things. Basic necessities were used to punish control and condition me; food, sleep, safety, my only brother, my joys. Public humiliation deception and lying was used often. I had no free will. Being raised by a sociopath, a rapist, a child molestor, and a pathological narcissist is an insane way to grow up; everything was always about them; their feelings, their discomfort, problems, their joy and happiness, and no one else’s. Plus you add in the pathological lying, manipulation, stonewalling, gas lighting, scapegoating, and severe mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse it’s no wonder I disappeared, it’s how I survived. But I was a shell of a person for many years. Emotionally paralyzed, dissociated, terrified, and numb. Filled to the brim with deep negative beliefs about myself and so much terror and anger. And then I had all these dysfunctional ways of relating to people I was close to. Fully supporting myself at age 16 after years of having no stability, I didn’t have time to heal nor did I want to talk about anything. I pretended I was fine.
What I realized after my nervous breakdown as I was healing myself is that; I learned to ignore my needs and to deny myself early on. I simultaneously developed a hyper focus on my environment that was about meeting the needs of the narcissist or the scary crazy adults as I like to call them and simultaneously doing whatever I could to not attract attention. I also learned to stop having needs, they were often used against me. I mean everything was used against me, it made me feel safer, it helped me to survive to disappear, but it did not always keep me safe. This also set me up to have huge problems in my relationships as I got older. Even if I was not surrounded by a narcissist per se as I got older I brought a level of dysfunction to each close relationship that baffled me for years. I over gave, denied myself, and never spoke up. How can you have a healthy balanced relationship if you are caught up in people pleasing, low self worth behaviors, putting others on a pedestal, and if you are unable to be intimate or present, or communicate, or ask for what I needed or wanted? Um, you can’t. Plus I was terrified of intimacy and losing people because I had experienced nothing but chaos and loss. I mean I was prime meat for a narcissist.
You can heal this. I have had to do radical things to begin to heal myself. I literally had to move hundreds of miles away and create physical distance. I had to leave the city and place myself almost in complete isolation for several years just so I could focus on ME and untangle the cords. Meditating, energy healing, shamanism and shamanic soul retrievals, past life healing, akashic records healing ( all modalities I am trained in) helped tremendously. Journaling and writing also very helpful. Even though the isolation was agonizing it was so necessary to get back in touch with my true self. In some ways I hated it, but it also felt amazing. It was so great to focus on my needs, my dreams, my feelings, my desires, and happiness. Even the simple pleasures I had missed out on. For years, I had been floundering and could not find my true path or identify. My identity had been shaped by everyone else no wonder I felt clouded. How could I get a clear sense of myself unless I cut everyone out? Little by little I began to finally speak my truth and express my real authentic feelings. It’s taken so much work to come clean with loved ones worth keeping and to explain the many years I was absent and not communicating my truth. I’m fortunate to have a couple of very good understanding compassionate friends that have been so patient as I reclaim my own personal narrative and grow in deeper self awareness. If you are actively healing your Co-Dependency and need help and support I can help you. I have powerful tools, medicine, and healing that can help you grow in your self awareness, help you untangle the roots, resolve, and come to terms with your past in a way that is gentle,empowering, safe, and nurturing. The medicine and tools I have picked up along my journey are so powerful I couldn’t wait to share them.
Why can’t adult survivors of child abuse just let it go? If you are an adult that has survived horrific abuse in your childhood and need help reach out. Trust me, I get it. I understand your pain and I want to do more than inspire you to reclaim your story, your voice, and own what happened to you. It’s a large part of the work I am doing now and why I am so vocal about speaking out. If you endured and survived years of abuse that no doubt left you devastated, broken, mute, paralyzed, dealing with low self esteem and severe mental health issues, health issues, or other relationship problems. I want you to finally have your say. The path to healing and breakthroughs is not always about being in the present and being positive. The way to transcend it, is to own what happened to you, give your inner child a voice, and to help you move through those painful emotions. Unhealed and trapped pain and emotions needs some place to go. The more you ignore it, stuff it, or pretend it’s not there the more it seeks other avenues for expression. Finding a productive outlet is so much better than ignoring it. I am on the cusp of launching a podcast and I have been obsessing all weekend over what the name could possible be about. It will be about healing, mental health recovery, healing co-dependency and shame, overcoming trauma, finding your voice, spirituality, and transformation and healing, but it will also be about how you reclaim your power. It will be about fighting back and getting justice, and having a safe place to share brave stories that will make survivors feel good about themselves instead of shaming them for not being fully healed. It will be the anti-shame show. My journey hasn’t been easy, your journey hasn’t been easy. Especially if you are drawn to working with me or to my page. I am the keeper of very painful memories, horrible tragedies it has taken me an olympic effort to overcome, but I am also the epitome of bravery and courage. If you survived horrific abuse like I have and your still standing you are more than brave to me you are fierce and strong. It takes so much more strength to continue fighting another day. It takes even more strength and courage to heal it.,