Giving & Receiving; Why it can be hard to ask for love. 

Posted On: January 29, 2017 | Time: 9:22 pm | no comments
As a natural healer and independent person that was on her own early in life, it’s so hard at times for me to ask for help and emotional support. I am 100% sure I’m not the only one. This is very bad news for your mental and emotional wellbeing. One of the hallmarks of being a healthy person is the ability to be honest with yourself and others  and to know how to give and receive emotional support and affection. As a women I feel many of us are culturally encouraged to give,give,give, give tirelessly and selflessly-no wonder we are all messed up as a society! We are encouraged to give, to work constantly, and we are shamed if we show any weakness in fact we are medicated for having any feelings of unhappiness.  I too tend to be the person that gives and gives and gives but I have been deep in recovery from trying to be a perfect human being. Giving feels safe and puts me in a position of power receiving on the other hand  and asking for help makes me feel exposed & vulnerable which makes me feel  less powerful. (But why are we even competing? I’ll save that for another article)  It is only now at age 39 that I am learning in the last couple years to ask for support in real-time unlike my old patterns of pretending I had it all together and holding in my pain & stress for years and years and years.
It’s absolutely crucial that we overcome pride,fear,and shame when it comes to emotional honesty  so that we can have healthier relationships with ourselves,God,and each other.
I am starting to get very honest when I need some extra love or when I need more emotional support. It’s so great! But I will admit, it’s still a little awkward. I always feel like I have to face a major fear to do it and it takes work to muster up the courage. I guess I’m always afraid of being rejected, shamed, or judged. Deep down I’m still clearing out a pattern that tells me I need to be perfect-perfection doesn’t exist why are we all trying so hard to achieve that? A clear sign of health and growth; at least I am willing to take this risk today.  This blog is definitely a sign that I deeply love and accept myself and I accept my imperfection.
img_3662Three years ago I could have never be this honest. If I dissect and deconstruct my past I see clear patterns now that I could not before. Hindsight is always 20/20; one of the principle challenges I faced was I tended to go to the wrong people for love (emotionally unavailable people) for support -you might as well try your luck with a brick wall the feedback is about the same. I also tended to go to people who didn’t really love themselves; people that weren’t really honest or healthy with themselves that never let themselves be vulnerable. How could they possible know how to acknowledge my feelings if they denied their own? It has taken years  for me to gain the insight I have now. It does take time to learn to distinguish healthy emotional  behaviors in people from unhealthy emotional behaviors in people. Stuffing, denying, ignoring your feelings trying to be perfect is not healthy. Acknowledging, feeling, venting, expressing, being honest, being imperfect these are healthy behaviors.
Here are some tips I’ve learned and practice that have made it easier for me to open up. Maybe it can help make it easier for you to muster up the courage to ask for support  ❤️ 
1. Don’t repeatedly go to the person that is always giving you tough love and telling you to “get over it”…..of course I still occasionally get in trouble with this one and slip into old patterns. My patterns started in childhood and stem from abandonment,neglect, and rejection. Just the other day I tried to be honest with someone I know online after a painful and humiliating incident on Monday and was  blatantly ignored and actually gaslighted. I thought this person was safe but turns out I was wrong I won’t be making that mistake again.  Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity.  The classic example of gaslighting is to switch something around on someone who you know they’re sure to notice, but then deny knowing anything about it, and to explain that they “must be imagining things” when they challenge these changes. It took so much courage as it was  to even admit when asked if I was alright that I was not in fact feeling okay. This person told me I was not sad I was in fact perfect and okay……..even after I had told her the contrary, I even said it several times. It was baffling. Shame on me for being a dumb ass lol j/k. I know I am still learning, that is why I say my blog is about transcending the victim because no matter how much wisdom and new age teachings I have come to understand over 30 years I still mess up, forget, and slip up.  It can be tough unlearning what you have learned and re-parenting and training yourself. I’ve only been working at it for 14 years!!!
2. Watch out for New Age Shamers I have noticed that some people with a shallow understanding of new age material in particular the law of attraction, will sometimes say some very crazy making things to you that make you feel baffled or ashamed.  The law of attraction teaches you to ignore and stay away from people who have negative stories or feelings;  they insinuate that by  denying someone’s negative feelings and reality you are in fact helping them to stop identifying with negative beliefs and a negative story. But not all negative feelings are the result of negative beliefs it could be situational. What if you just experienced a major death or humiliation? What if you just were in a car accident? I mean the women that asked me how I was doing didn’t even take the time to ask me what happend she just assumed.  The last thing you want to hear is “your fine!” or “think positive” when you are not in fact fine. Your emotional body and feelings are things that should definitely be taken serious. How many violent crimes, suicides, or other tragedies occur because someone has had their feelings hurt? How much conflict do we see occurring in the world because feelings were hurt ?
Louise Hay a very prominent figure in the New Age community and author of YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE teaches us that holding on to feelings, pain, and resentment can contribute to manifesting  diseases within the body. In fact she teaches that if you do in fact have a disease that needs to be treated you can look it up in her book and she can help you identify deep core beliefs that you can work on changing that may have contributed to developing the illness. The book is a great tool to help turn negative things around so you can begin to manifest more positive feelings and situations. I love that book it’s like a bible. I have been using it proactively for over 12 years I knew I had to work on feeling my feelings for years to begin to  release deeply ingrained beliefs and patterns, especially with my crazy past. My plan is to never develop a major disease but I have been working on two other minor but chronic issues ( acne and digestion issues) sorry if that is TMI!! Lol
Often times deeply held resentments or unexpressed emotions may be tied to specific memories that are unhealed so what this means is –YOU NEED TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS you need to express yourself and you need to be able to ask for support and help when you feel low. Talking about and feeling your feelings also keeps your chakras working properly. I ended up chatting that day with another person that was very supportive and loving with me. It was amazing how quickly I recovered emotionally from the embarrassing incident once I was listened to and not judged. The energy  was released and was not stored and I was able to quickly let it go and I had a deep pattern triggered which triggered my P.T.S.D which I have over many traumatic things that happened to me young in life.  Unlike the past I didn’t have to hold on to it, drink it down or stuff it. I cried felt my feelings and ta da it was a brand new day!
3. Avoid reaching out and blindly opening up to someone where there is a conflict of interest. A new romantic interest that you don’t know well, a person that wants to sell you something or that wants to get something from you. I am not saying these are bad people I’m saying you need to make clear is this real friendship? or do they want something from you ? They won’t always make their agendas very clear so beware. Of course I’ve messed up and been hurt by not being able to recognize people with agendas. Sure those people may have the time,patience, and energy to listen to you but they may be innocently or purposely covertly exploiting or manipulating you. I run a support group online I am also a energy healer but I limit the soliciting that even I do in the  group because I am holding a safe place  for emotional support and for real friendships to occur. Most people don’t feel safe telling people their problems if they know that they may potentially be exploited. It’s almost like you can hear their secret thoughts they are keeping ” Yes  I’ll listen to you all day and hopefully at some point you will you want to buy my candles, beauty products, healing services, etc. etc.?!”  After  someone has listened to you for hours you may feel guilted into buying their services you may feel like you owe them but you should know that someone trying to make you feel guilty is manipulating  you. So much to be said about covert manipulation ( I’ll leave that for another time) You may even be bold and assertive  if your intuition has alerted you and say, “Are you just talking to me because you want me to buy your product or service?” Is this mutual friendship or do you want something from me ?” I’m known  these days for being very direct and to the point,  not everyone likes that so  you may find a better way to say it. Let me know!
4. Establish safe relationships. Take your time figuring out which family, friends, or a therapist are safe and healthy enough to take a risk with -they may surprise you. You may even find amazing support groups or new friends online I have met many. This may take time you want to reach out and open up to safe people that seem open that you know won’t judge you that also show they know how to not be perfect themselves. Anyone trying to come off as perfect and happy 24/7 is most likely not an emotionally healthy or an honest person with themselves. I look for people that are openly comfortable with their flaws and that  openly talk about their own feelings. Stuffing, denying, ignoring your feelings trying to be perfect is not healthy. Acknowledging, feeling, venting, expressing, being honest, being imperfect these are healthy behaviors. It takes a little time to get to know people but once you know what to look for it becomes easier to spot right away.

5. Keep a journal or Write/Blog about your feelings that is something that is so amazingly simple, cathartic, and healing, it is obviously something that I love to do. It  can not only help you stay in touch with how you feel it is amazingly healing.  Blogging literally saved my life and helped me recover from a nervous breakdown a few years ago. I have been writing out that story now for a couple years it’s still such a crazy intense and sometimes triggering story for me so that is a work in progress. I am letting that happen organically and in it’s right time, I believe in divine timing. For many reasons I never used to express myself honestly, I held so much inside and was so bogged down in shame, trauma, fear, and pride. I needed a breakdown and a huge spiritual crisis to transform me and open me up. I  was trying so hard to be perfect and appear happy, it was kind of inevitable that I would blow up one day with all that I been through in my life and not expressed. When you stay in touch with how you feel you can stay in control of your life. When you express your feelings and have safe people to express them with you stay healthy and happier and isn’t that what this life game is all about?

img_3666If you enjoyed this article make sure to follow my blog and journey. I blog about recovery, mental health advocacy, finding your voice, multi-dimensional healing,  the divine feminine, story shifting, making the transition from Victim to Co-Creator, and Ascencion. I also micro-blog daily on instagram. If you are looking for frienship and emotional support please join us at  WLN Soul Sisters.
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